The Epic of Silence

Two days ago Swamiji reinitiated us into conscious awareness again. He did it back in LEP and that lasted a whole day if that. Why is it so hard to slow down and be fully aware of our actions, thoughts and emotions? Why are we such in a hurry? What are trying to achieve? Where are we trying to go? What’s the rush? When I really stop to answer those questions. I have to honestly have to say I am exactly where I want to be! So why I am I rushing around, I’m here. There is no goal to achieve. The only goal I have cared to strive for has been self-realization and I am here to do that. What else is there? Just at that moment like a lightening bolt I came to the conclusion I am exclusively here for that right here right now. This is the time and place to do it not later. The environment has been set for me to do and come out of these samskaras (engrams).
The prior few days I was experiencing severe upper back pain which was usually related to stress. But now I have no stress, I have not had stress in over a year. So I figured I needed to apply some awareness to this situation. I came to the realization that it was due to my unawares in my body in the way I moved and the thoughts that I was entertaining. I was always moving around in rush mode totally unconscious just out of habit. I had a huge click when I was doing my morning yoga practice. I was getting ready to leave and I picked up my clock all the sudden I recognized how I aggressively I picked it up. I was shocked, then I realized there was so much tension in all of my movements, I could literally feel anxiety running like a current through my system. It was as if I was playing out an old record on repeat. Simultaneously I felt compassion for my muscles and every living organism in my body. What was I doing to it with this mind set? I could only be causing myself harm with those thoughts running through me. No wonder my shoulders hurt!
I have been blessed to experience amazing bouts of awareness lately, but I know I could take it deeper and going into silence would take me there. Swamiji says that when you stop talking on the outside you stop talking on the inside. By reducing my chatter on the outside I have more energy to monitor my thoughts and actions. Not only this the past few days we have been working on re- living the past to relieve it and needless to say my emotions have been quite volatile. I have been waking up with intense anger and irritation (again I have not experienced such strong emotions like this in over a year pre- India) for no such reason. And to make it even more interesting throw in a nice helping of depression into the mix. What the heck is going on? Anyhow, I just figured for the safety of all concerned myself included I needed to go into silence and sort this out once and for all. I want this stuff to leave me forever.
Lot’s of interesting things are coming up during this process. Today has been my 3rd day in silence and originally I thought I would see if I can make it a whole 3 days and I am here and have no desire to speak. I find that the longer I remain silent the deeper I go more layers to unravel. Being in silence has really taught me how to monitor my thoughts in my conversations. The problem is I can’t control others words as I have a conversation with them so not speaking right now is the right solution. I am trying to tame my negative chatter not contribute to it. I just know that the state I am in my ego would want to contribute and that would be self defeating.
There is a big difference between the intellectual understanding of awareness and the actual experience of awareness. When it experienced in you system it creates permanent changes within your DNA. Stubborn persistent samskaras leave your being forever.
I know this may sound crazy but it has been my true experience of only 3 days of silence. I am going to tell you a secret. I have always had a fear of not having enough food therefore I hoard it like a squirrel or worst yet stock up for the next world war. Thus which leads to overeating, which leads to guilt, shame and all sorts of gross emotions. Anyhow, a few days ago Swamiji talked about 2nd layer past life healing. He said that obesity is caused by fear and guilt from past lives. It could have either been from starving to death or stealing food from others. This is why we feel the need to store it in our current body, which turns into accumulated fat. I have always suspected I starved and drowned (I will elaborate on that revelation later) in a past life. It was something I just have known and now it makes complete sense why I do the things I do.
If you learn to bring awareness to every moment every action, everything that happens becomes lessons and transforming energy in you and these samskaras (engrams) leave you. Ok, so this is the cool part. I have actually felt and look thinner in just 3 days and that would be without me trying because I’m not going to lie I have been eating sweets (but with full awareness, whatever that means). What this means is I am digesting what is needed and releasing what is not needed and this is how we are liberated from our past and we are healed. This is the power of awareness. Stay tuned as I continue to reveal more in depth revelations regarding silence and awareness.

The Practice of Aparigraha

I am used to kind of like living like a sadhu, or like to think I was, however, sadhu’s only possession may be a kamandalam (a water pot) and I own a little bit more stuff. I used to take pride that all I pretty much owned was a car, some clothes and a cat.Now I only own a car and some clothes as my beloved cat has passed on. I have been living out of suitcases for the past couple of years and have been enjoying it, I’m weird like that. I’m not going to lie,
I have always secretly wanted to be a sadhu, well now is my chance.
I have come to India to attend a program with my Guru Paramhamsa Nithyanada called Living Enlightenment Process. I have now officially entered “Sadhu Boot Camp”. We have been given the opportunity to live like real sadhu’s in the loving energy field of the ashram in Bidadi.



Aparigraha is the fifth yama (restraints) of Asthanga yoga’s eight limbs each one representing one aspect of Living Enlightment. Yamas and Niyamas are guidelines as to how we can live a yogic lifestyle. How we relate to people and situations outside of ourselves is yamas and how we relate to ourselves inwardly is niyama. This is the core of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras. The sanksrit word is translated as non-grasping, non-possesiveness. The term usually means to limit possessions to what is absolutely necessary and to maintain a non-greed mind set, non-grasping or clutching on to things. Non, non, non something I am definetly not used to. I usually satisfy all my desires without any second thoughts to whether I really need this or that. Always taking unconsciously taking without any regard to whether it is really necessary or not to have those 15 cookies. Is it really possible to be satisfied with just one? In this day in age at least in my society the mantra seems to be “If one is good then more is better”. Just look in my kitchen junk drawer there are at least 50 packets of soy sauce which I will never use! What about all my clutter and the all the extra clothes I don’t even use? When I go grocery shopping I buy way more than I can consume. Do I really need all this stuff? Where does all this hoarding come from? Greed. Which ulitimately stems from fear. Fear of not having enough, because if I don’t have enough I will die. Every fear if we really try and trace it’s root source is a fear of death. So we just keep grasping and hoarding every last thing we can. I have to admit when I do this it really doesn’t make me feel comfortable. I believe that this fear is really a fear of not trusting Existence and it’s ability to provide for me and al my needs. What is it going to take to get me to relax and trust? Activiely practicing aparigra with full awareness at every moment.
Aparigraha does not only apply physical material things it also applies to our relationships as well. This could even go as far as not monopolizing someones time or taking advantage a friends generous nature.



Lot’s of interesting things are coming up with this aprigraha process. I find that I really appreciated things more in my life that I used to take for granted. Especially food! At any time of the day could I eat anything that I wanted in any amount. Everything was within my reach, just a car drive away. I could satisfy every craving I ever had no problem.
It is taking extra awareness to control my food cravings. It would be all so easy to say ‘Oh, well, I need protein, I need sugar, I need caffeine, I need this, I need that”. What this whole process is teaching me that I really need less than I think I do. I can get by and manage with a lot less. It is true what Swamiji said when you do this exercise it really frees you up. Frees up your inner space.
In this process here at the ashram most of the time we don’t have hot water and sometime we don’t even have any water! There was one time when there was just ¼ of a bucket of water that someone left (clean of course) and I managed to take a bath. I was amazed at how little I need to get the job done. When we do have hot water it is such a joy, such a treat! I am so happy! I really can appreciate the warm water so much it’s as if every part of my body is celebrating. All these things that I so easily take for granted back home.
My greatest understanding in this exercise is there is more than enough in this abundant Universe and all I need to do is relax and trust that Existence is taking care.

When you understand the purposelessness of life, you understand the meaning of living. ~Paramahamsa Nithyananda