Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Epic of Silence

Two days ago Swamiji reinitiated us into conscious awareness again. He did it back in LEP and that lasted a whole day if that. Why is it so hard to slow down and be fully aware of our actions, thoughts and emotions? Why are we such in a hurry? What are trying to achieve? Where are we trying to go? What’s the rush? When I really stop to answer those questions. I have to honestly have to say I am exactly where I want to be! So why I am I rushing around, I’m here. There is no goal to achieve. The only goal I have cared to strive for has been self-realization and I am here to do that. What else is there? Just at that moment like a lightening bolt I came to the conclusion I am exclusively here for that right here right now. This is the time and place to do it not later. The environment has been set for me to do and come out of these samskaras (engrams).
The prior few days I was experiencing severe upper back pain which was usually related to stress. But now I have no stress, I have not had stress in over a year. So I figured I needed to apply some awareness to this situation. I came to the realization that it was due to my unawares in my body in the way I moved and the thoughts that I was entertaining. I was always moving around in rush mode totally unconscious just out of habit. I had a huge click when I was doing my morning yoga practice. I was getting ready to leave and I picked up my clock all the sudden I recognized how I aggressively I picked it up. I was shocked, then I realized there was so much tension in all of my movements, I could literally feel anxiety running like a current through my system. It was as if I was playing out an old record on repeat. Simultaneously I felt compassion for my muscles and every living organism in my body. What was I doing to it with this mind set? I could only be causing myself harm with those thoughts running through me. No wonder my shoulders hurt!
I have been blessed to experience amazing bouts of awareness lately, but I know I could take it deeper and going into silence would take me there. Swamiji says that when you stop talking on the outside you stop talking on the inside. By reducing my chatter on the outside I have more energy to monitor my thoughts and actions. Not only this the past few days we have been working on re- living the past to relieve it and needless to say my emotions have been quite volatile. I have been waking up with intense anger and irritation (again I have not experienced such strong emotions like this in over a year pre- India) for no such reason. And to make it even more interesting throw in a nice helping of depression into the mix. What the heck is going on? Anyhow, I just figured for the safety of all concerned myself included I needed to go into silence and sort this out once and for all. I want this stuff to leave me forever.
Lot’s of interesting things are coming up during this process. Today has been my 3rd day in silence and originally I thought I would see if I can make it a whole 3 days and I am here and have no desire to speak. I find that the longer I remain silent the deeper I go more layers to unravel. Being in silence has really taught me how to monitor my thoughts in my conversations. The problem is I can’t control others words as I have a conversation with them so not speaking right now is the right solution. I am trying to tame my negative chatter not contribute to it. I just know that the state I am in my ego would want to contribute and that would be self defeating.
There is a big difference between the intellectual understanding of awareness and the actual experience of awareness. When it experienced in you system it creates permanent changes within your DNA. Stubborn persistent samskaras leave your being forever.
I know this may sound crazy but it has been my true experience of only 3 days of silence. I am going to tell you a secret. I have always had a fear of not having enough food therefore I hoard it like a squirrel or worst yet stock up for the next world war. Thus which leads to overeating, which leads to guilt, shame and all sorts of gross emotions. Anyhow, a few days ago Swamiji talked about 2nd layer past life healing. He said that obesity is caused by fear and guilt from past lives. It could have either been from starving to death or stealing food from others. This is why we feel the need to store it in our current body, which turns into accumulated fat. I have always suspected I starved and drowned (I will elaborate on that revelation later) in a past life. It was something I just have known and now it makes complete sense why I do the things I do.
If you learn to bring awareness to every moment every action, everything that happens becomes lessons and transforming energy in you and these samskaras (engrams) leave you. Ok, so this is the cool part. I have actually felt and look thinner in just 3 days and that would be without me trying because I’m not going to lie I have been eating sweets (but with full awareness, whatever that means). What this means is I am digesting what is needed and releasing what is not needed and this is how we are liberated from our past and we are healed. This is the power of awareness. Stay tuned as I continue to reveal more in depth revelations regarding silence and awareness.

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